Many years ago the group of friends I hung out with was a mix of males and females. We went out did stuff together all strictly plutonic. One of the most memorable traditions was watching Friends on Thursday nights at my apartment. The women would cook dinner and me and my roommate would provide snacks and alcohol.
During this time I started dating a woman that lived 70 miles away. My friends knew about her but had never met her in person. By the time her birthday came around we had been dating for 7 weeks. I bought her a diamond and ruby tennis bracelet as a gift.
On the Thursday night before her birthday my friends asked what I bought her for her birthday. I got very gender biased reactions. The guys reaction mostly was very generic such as “cool”, “nice” and “how much did that set you back?” The women reacted much differently. “We need to talk”, “We need to meet this woman” was the general reaction. Their collective feeling was that a woman would view a gift like this as a message that this is a serious relationship. It was not my intent to send a message and I didn’t think that the gift would send a message, I just wanted to get her something nice.
There was much debate over the next two day between the men and women. The men generally felt that there was no message being sent, it’s just a nice gift. The women urged me to reconsider. Although I appreciated the women’s perspective I ultimately gave her the tennis bracelet.
I viewed the reaction of the women as being stereotypical by assuming that a woman would look for a deeper meaning whether one existed or not. I viewed the men’s reaction as stereotypical also by strictly looking at things for their face value. Neither the men nor the women questioned me on the seriousness of the relationship.
I am curious to hear how members of the class would have reacted if they had a friend in a similar situation. What advice, if any, would you have given your friend?
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5 comments:
Tom,
This was a good story, very realistic. I actually agree with both sides and have had personal experience in that situation. The men view it as you said, just a nice gift for a special occasion. However, a woman would view such a nice gift as something more meaningful. She may think that you feel your relationship is becoming more serious. How she would feel and react to those messages would depend on how she feels about you and her commitment to the relationship. Lets face it, at some point during a relationship that both the man and woman are enjoying and find that they are very compatible, it is inevitable that the relationship will grow and become more meaningful. How meaningful depends on the quality of the time you spend together and the signals you give to one another. If I can be very stereotypical, nice jewelery most often sends a message to a woman that you care about, that you see her as more special than other women and that your relationship is very special. Thats usually a positive thing.
Hi Tom,
And I hope I've done this correctly. I think the reaction of your female friends had more to do with their sisterly/motherly/nurturing/ love/make sure Tom is not being taken advantage of/affection for you but also agree that gifts like that could possibly be misconstrued. Sending a message of seriousness was said when you went out to buy anything. When you went into a jewelry store to boot...Yes, that is another level. lol! I think it was a bit extravagant for two months but that is because I am pretty old fashioned, considering the way I was raised. My family had a problem with big or expensive gifts. They (gifts) are asking for something my mother would say.
I had been hanging out with a guy for about a month. I met him a year ago so it wasn't like he was a total stranger but there weren't any sparks so he'd infinitely live in friend zone. When he asked me what I wanted for my birthday I replied a 10 carat tennis bracelet. Well, on my birthday he produced a box that had a 2 carat tennis bracelet. I was floored! It was an extremely nice gesture but I refused it. I was only kidding about the 10 carat bracelet.
I explained that I did not want any mixed emotions about his present and I did not want to feel that it meant anything more than it was supposed to...simply a gift. I did this because I knew he was sweeter on me than I was on him and I did not want to take his gift and have him expect more from me than I could give. I asked him to treat me to Dave & Buster's. He did and we have been good friends since. For his birthday the same year I gave him two tickets to a sixer game. Ok, so they weren't courtside, more like in the middle of the tier. I told him before he asked, I do not want to go so he would not feel obligated. He laughed but understood. No strings.
I still think it was best that I refused his gift. Men & women do communicate differently and desire each other in different ways too. Every guy I meet is not the HERB I'm looking for.
Tom,
Like Glenn, I can identify with both sides in this case.
I'm sure that there are some women who might tend to see things at face value, and some men who might look deeper into the situation, but I definitely see the stereotype in how your friends responded.
Regardless of whether or not a nice piece of Jewelry means commitment, I do think that most women would perceive this as a sign that you are very interested in continuing the relationship in the long run. I don't think that seeing things in that way necessarily means a woman is reading further into it than a man, because even looking at something at its face value, it is clear that jewelry is among one of the more expensive gifts a man can give a woman.
In addition to this, the fact that you went out and bought it means you wanted her to wear a token of affection that you have given her. When people asked her, for example, where she got such a nice bracelet, you at some level realized she would say 'oh, my boyfriend gave it to me', sending the message that she is taken by you.
While I may be a part of the female stereotype that views things this way, I also think that sociologists and psychologists might think similarly. People who study courtship would probably view an expensive gift, especially one that is meant to be worn, as a sign of commitment.
It is interesting to me that some men would not agree. Maybe, from a biological standpoint, men are not suppose to consciously understand that by giving a gift like this they are lowering their chances of reproducing with other females by tying themselves down to one.
Tom
I think i would probably react pretty similarly to some of your female friends, but it would be due to what experience I have had with guys and relationships in the past. From what I have seen in the past and from my guy friends and their relationships, it is pretty unusual for a guy to buy a girl something that nice so soon in the relationship. I guess it is somewhat stereotypical but I think i would have probably said the same thing to you..that its kind of a big deal to buy her that bracelet and she would probably think that you were really really into her and planned on sticking around for good while. If you bought it for her with no intention of a message of any kind or any meaning, just to be a nice guy and buy her a nice birthday gift, than that is very generous and kind of you and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that either because it is what YOU wanted to do and no one pushed you into it. I think the women also reacted the way they did because they didn't know your gf personally so they were likely being protective of you and did not want to see you being taken advantage of, especially because it is obvious that you are a nice guy. As far as the guy's reaction.. I think its pretty common for males to associate being nice with how much money did it cost. I dont really think alot of guys would spend alot of money on a gift for a girl unless they were pretty serious about them. Just like girls, guys do not want to be taken advantage of either and I think they would want to make sure a girl plans on being around and isn't a "gold digger" before they put themselves out and spend alot on her. This is just what I have seen, I am not saying that all guys think like this. So I am curious.. what was her reaction when you gave her the gift? Are you guys still together? And for what it's worth, like you said you did what you wanted too and gave it to her, and as long as you were comfortable with your decision than that is all that matters in the end.
Tom,
If I had a friend in this situation I probably would have had the same reaction as the other guys---"nice", "cool", etc. However, I would have also told him to stop and think about the message he is conveying to the woman. Ask, "How serious is this relationship?". Tell him to look at it from a woman's point of view. A gift like this can mean more than "happy birthday". There are other nice gifts (including jewelery) that don't convey the same message. "Differences in interpretation are the source of much misunderstanding between people" (Wood, p. 35).
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